i feel so lost right now. for the past few weeks i've just been running on this idea of acting and going w/ my gut. no thinking and just "being happy" or trying to be anyway. hmm i feel like i should write this in my journal, but i'm too lazy. anyway, so b/c i didn't want to feel anymore, i just decided to stop thinking about anything. and then my friend asked me last night why i'm doing all this. and i had no concrete answer. i mean the main plan is to "explore" and "have fun" so that i can supposedly find myself and figure out "what i want." but what if all this is just to get back at kyle? what if it's this childish stupid thing that in the end i will be even more confused and lost than i started out? then i end up alone, confused and prolly too fucked up to be in a real relationship. blargh argh. but...at this point i'm not ready to make a decision on the whole kyle thing, so i go back to my original plan; recklessly, blindly....a la carpe diem. this could very well be the breaking point.

listening to: gin blossoms--found out about you

just a side story:
i went to my friend's house for the first time yesterday and MAAAAAAAAN it's huge and sooooooo nice. i seriously would love to live in a house like that when i "grow up." that's what i love about east coast houses, they're not all mass produced and identical to each other. and they have a lot of property...and it's all GREEN. i would have loved to see that place in the winter time. also i met his niece who is 2 and she was so cute...made me wanna have a daughter dammit......i can't handle a daughter!! i'd have to give her away when she reached 10.....then take her back when she's 18-19ish. anyway, looking around in the burbs of philly(west chester) made me seriously consider living out here......but what do i know hehe. who knows what the future holds......

best line from rules of attraction: "I need you like my elbow needs an asshole!"