I took this Specialty Aptitude test to see what specialty fits my personality. is that bad that the specialty i want to go into is at the bottom of the list??

Rank Specialty Score
1 dermatology 46
2 physical med & rehabilitation 44
3 pediatrics 44
4 radiology 43
5 occupational med 43
6 rheumatology 43
7 hematology 43
8 general internal med 42
9 anesthesiology 42
10 ophthalmology 41
11 obstetrics/gynecology 41
12 otolaryngology 40
13 radiation oncology 40
14 gastroenterology 40
15 endocrinology 39
16 pulmonology 39
17 nephrology 39
18 med oncology 39
19 colon & rectal surgery 39
20 pathology 39
21 general surgery 39
22 plastic surgery 39
23 psychiatry 38
24 urology 38
25 orthopaedic surgery 38
26 nuclear med 38
27 neurology 38
28 emergency med 38
29 infectious disease 38
30 cardiology 37
31 allergy & immunology 37
32 neurosurgery 37
33 thoracic surgery 37
34 preventive med 36
35 aerospace med 36
36 family practice 34

So i MIGHT still be able to rotate through OMM in Hawaii. How awesome would that be?! One month in Hawaii with my dad and brothers. It would be like a pseudo va-k with free lodging. I'd have to work 6/7 days of the week, but then I heard you get out early 2 of the days. My brother could TOTALLY teach me how to surf--or I could take lessons. I could get nice and tan. woohoo.

I have 2, count em 2 exams tomorrow and somehow I'm not stressing it for shit. Lord knows why. I need to do well. I'm gonna get something to eat right now, then go to church, then spend the rest of the afternoon studying. Gotta love it.

today i had montclair clinic. it was a women's clinic tonight and i did my first "real" pap smear. i felt bad cuz i couldn't really find the cervix. and then when i was taking the specimen she started bleeding. poor thing. I'M SORRY i'm inexperienced! then my dumbass forgot to finish up with the patient so she was waiting in the room forever. i felt so bad. otherwise it was a cool night. the resident and the nurse said my notes were good :)

i had a first year following me. i hate it cuz i'm ok looking like a dumbass to the patient, but someone shadowing me vaguely knows what's going on. so there's all this pressure to know stuff cuz you're the 2nd year and should know this shit cuz you're about to go on rotations. bleh. i guess i just have to get used to looking like a dumbass cuz starting june 27th that's all i'll ever be looking like. wish me luck.

And you thought you could fold a shirt.

How awesome is that?! I tried it and it works! i will fold like that from now on. so fast!

so i've once again reverted to my "depressed state". what is that you may ask? well it's a little better than before. i am not crying incessantly, but i am playing that damned spider game again instead of studying. i also can't get up in the morning. i would love to just stay in bed until everything is better again. but nooo nothing will get better if i stay in bed. it will only get worse because i will fail in school and have wasted like 150 grand on it. so not only will i be a depressed fool, i will be a failure haha.

i know it's a waste but i just keep sitting here wishing for things that aren't at all possible. i keep thinking of ways to make it better. i keep wondering when all of this will finally run its course and things will be "normal" again for me; instead of this weird day to day life i lead that is only bearable by distractions such as studying. so basically, if i can master getting my ass up in the morning, find a way to never be in my apartment alone unless i'm eating or watching tv, and figure out how to fall asleep once i hit the bed, then i can be "ok." hmm wonder if that's healthy. prolly not.

i didn't really accomplish my goals for the day. i need to get to bed soon because i'm trying to get up at 7am tomorrow. but i'm not sleepy. so i'll prolly end up crying myself to sleep again. WOOHOO can't wait. tomorrow should be a busy tiring day. class from 8-5, then doing micro for an undisclosed amount of time. then american idol and house. then prolly do a qbank. good night all.

i'm obsessed with the show Lost....must buy DVD in July when it supposedly comes out. I think i would be a more obsessed fan if I wasn't so lazy to look things up. Sucks that there's only like one person I know that watches the show. I don't think anyone gets my obsession....oh well, it keeps me sane anyway. that's what tv's for right?

I can't believe it's Thursday. I didn't work as hard as I did last week, but then again I don't have a test on Monday. I feel like I've been working my ass off, and yet I'm sure there are people out there working twice as hard as I am. I just don't wanna burn out. I think I'm going at a reasonable pace.

I got my GI grade today. I did ok, passed and above the mean. I'm ok with that. I'm freaking tired! I actually went to my 8am class this morning cuz it was Dr. Yang. She's the best.

Oh and I got more spots filled on my rotations schedule. I'm doing OBGYN at Arrowhead and Peds at Citrus Valley. I dunno if I posted the rest of my schedule, but I'll post the finalized one cuz they're still trying to figure shit out, and hopefully I can trade my farther rotations.

I think I'm going to sleep early tonight. I have to take a shower tho...and that might end up waking me up. Wouldn't that just be great. Or I could just go to sleep now and see what time I wake up tomorrow.

I feel like there's such a hole in my life right now. I'm doing everything I need to be doing in my life, and yet I still feel incomplete.

listening to: Jason Mraz-Absolutely Zero

Finally reinstalled Hello. Here is a pic of me and my sibs: Erwin(15), Andrew(9), Matess(23) and Me(25--i'm old yes i know). 

Random Occurence of the Day
So I stayed in Fontana last night because I was too lazy to drive back to my apartment, plus I think my sister wanted me to stay home. This morning I had an exam and I didn't really have time to fill up my gas tank. The light had just turned on which means I had 30 more miles to go before I ran out of gas. So I get to school fine. But I forgot to fill up after school and when I went to my friend Sheila's house. So after we watched Desperate Housewives and Eurotrip, I went to my car. But...IT WOULDLN'T START! I was like crap, I think I'm out of gas.

Sheila drove me to the gas station and I had to buy one of those little tank thingies for gas. There were some British tourists there that were having problems with their pump. So Sheila and I tried to help them, but we couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then I couldn't figure out how to fill the tank that I bought. The attendant ended up coming out and helping the both of us.

We drove back to Sheila's and assembled the nozzle for the tank. BUT it started leaking gas when I tried to put it in the hole. It kept leaking gas, so Sheila suggested that we just pour the gas straight from the tank into the nozzle...without using the pump thing. And it worked! Took a while but it worked!

It must have looked really funny with two filipino girls trying to figure out how to put gas into a car.

Random occurence of the day: My cousin's fiance IMed me and told me that my cousin talked to Kyle b/c he had a job for him...and Kyle told my cousin to tell me that he missed me. I just thought that was really random and weird of him. Good thing my cousin didn't really think so. Anyway, I was almost happy to hear that. I guess hearing anything about him would elicit that reaction.

Quote of the Day
Mr. Incredible/Bob Par: Well, what are you waiting for?
Little boy: I dunno, something amazing I guess..
Mr. Incredible/Bob Par: Me too kid.

And I continue to wait...SOMEthing's bound to happen. In the meantime I'll just float through my life getting to where I need to be, doing the things I need to do.

Today I met my half brothers for the first time. I will post a picture once I can figure that out cuz I think I deleted "Hello" from my computer. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was gonna be. My brothers seem pretty cool. Erwin is 15 and Andrew is 9. Erwin reminds me so much of my cousin Ben: loves surfing and plays the guitar. Andrew looks a lot like me when I was a kid and he talks ALOT(i think i was like that when i was young too). They seemed to enjoy their time here in CA and by enjoy I mean LOVE.

Right now I'm "finishing up" studying for my test tomorrow. I hope I do ok.

HEY! i just looked at my "goals for the week" and i FINALLY accomplished one. good job me. :)

dude it's freakin 230 already. i been playing that stupid spider solitaire game. i didn't even win. i dunno...just don't wanna go to bed. cheers to my insomnia....

For the past couple of Fridays, my friend Steph and I have been going to Borders in Montclair to study. The first time we went, we were pleasantly surprised to find out that they have live music there from 8-10 every Friday. Well, first we were annoyed because we were studying, but the band turned out to be pretty decent and good study music. They were called Reserved 16. Steph ended up buying a CD since it was only 8 bucks. We still can't figure out who they sound like...probably never will. This week this asian lady...we couldn't figure out her name and didn't bother to ask but she played the piano and guitar; first name was Korrene I think? She was also good. The music was good, but the lyrics were kinda eh to me.

Speaking of non-mainstream random music. My cousin introduced me to this Filipino band called Julie Plug. They sound exactly like Six Pence None the Richer...it's creepy. But they've got a slightly different sound. A little on the "harder" side...for lack of a better word cuz they're not exactly HARD. It's a nice break from some of the crap that's out there today.

I have been having phases of random tastes in music. The last few months I was into some indie rock stuff. Before that I was into country. I can't remember past that. Now I'm into soft, mellow, Jason Mraz-y music. You know...good study music.

Speaking of studying. I have been studying my ASS off this past week.
Monday: 3 hours on my ECM assignment---such boring, tedious busy work.
Tuesday: studied at the library from 7-1030.
Wednesday: went to school early and studied from 930-11, then studied from 5-7
Thurs: library from 630-10
Friday: school studying from 1-5; Borders studying from 7-10

INSANE!!!! I've never studied this much ever. I have to do this until June haha. Hope I can keep it going.

Random news that may not be important to you but is to me:
1. I scored a 74% on qbank yesterday! (but today i scored 50% haha)
2. there's another girl who's pregnant in my class now(my friend katie is the other one)
3. I downloaded the Sound of Music soundtrack!
4. Lost was awesome on Wed.