a whole month...wow. well i've been busy, kinda....and lazy. i got a new job. i'm working for my landlords at their loan place. it's called cash today. they give out loans til payday. it pays 10/hr...so that's really good, it's just downstairs(no walking, no traffic), and you get to chill a lot when there's no customers. plus they have cable modem so i can look up stuff.

they just painted our apartment yesterday. we had to stay outside all day so me and nelly went shopping with melissa and andy. we ate kfc at the gallery hehe. then we went to rittenhouse square/park. it was so pretty outside...just the right temp. there were so many people just chillin at the park.

seems that things are looking up for me in general. i got that new job. i also got the camp counselor position at camp ronald mcdonald--so my summer is set. all i need to do is work my ass off for the mcat's and then finish my med school apps. also i need to find a research project that pays and that is interesting--that will be difficult.

i miss kyle. he was supposed to come visit this weekend, but i guess it was a good thing he didn't cuz it sucked. friday night's dance SUCKED! it was a waste of a good 20 dollars. all we had was hors d'ourvs(how the f*%# do u spell that?), an open bar that served crappy watered down drinks....they had a freakin band ONLY b/c the president of GSA(graduate student assoc) is in it and the DJ freakin sucked! I swear someone walked away with a lot of money cuz that shit wasn't worth 20 bucks...10 maybe, but not 20. I was pissed. Then Sat sucked cuz I couldn't even stay at my apt. But at night it was fun. We went to Fluid by South St. and it was pretty cool. We dance, the drinks were good. I had a mudslide and a screwdriver w/ Absolut Mandarin! yuuuuum. I really do miss him tho. It feels distant right now...but that always happens especially when we both get busy.

Today all I did was clean my room and vaccuum. It took a whiel cuz I was also kinda packing. I'm supposed to move upstairs in June. My roommate Nelly is gonna end up having to move up there and then out again in Aug--which is what we should have done in the first place cuz then we could have gotten paid. Oh wellllllllll---whatev's.

I need to go to bed early. I hope I fall asleep. I'm planning on going to class tomorrow...then I have to work 8 hours. Then I was gonna try and watch videos of lectures I missed last week---but I may be too tired. If i'm not that tired or if I push myself, I'll try to watch 2 hours of videos after dinner--so maybe from 8-10 or 7-9. We'll see. Aight, maybe i'll start writing in this again....

i don't want to study. i actually wouldn't just mind sleeping alllll day and not doing anything. too bad kyle isn't here cuz then we could just cuddle all day. it's all raining outside too but it's all muggy and humid--yuck. it's ok in my apartment though. i don't know what else to write. i just don't want to study stupid neuro...

OH I almost forgot. I got an A in Microanatomy and an A- in Physiology, which brings my GPA to a 3.8. I have 2 more classes to go and if I get an A- in Neuro and a B+ in Medicine and Society, my GPA will be a 3.74...bringing my cummulative to a 3.45. woohoo. I'm so proud of myself right now.

Hmm so many things are on my mind. I just got back from Spring Break in CA. I had a wonderful time. I spent most of it with my family and Kyle. I ate out all week, which is kind of cool but at the same time sad haha. While I was there, I spent some time at home and got to remember how it was to live at home and the dynamic that me and my mom had. It was weird because I'm always so lazy here. But when I was at home, I was on the go and doing stuff. I felt busy, responsible and needed. I think that's it: I felt needed. It's a good feeling, at least for me. I like knowing that I'm taking care of people. I guess that's why I want to be a doctor. Doctors are needed and they serve a unique purpose. Which is a good segway into my next subject. MEDICINE

We just had this lectureship today by Dr. Rubenstein, Dean of the School of Medicine at UPENN. Also attending the lecture was Arnold P. Gold and his wife Susan Gold. They founded the Arnold P. Gold Foundation which is an organization that is involved with improving the medical profession. He spoke of the humanism in medicine and why it's still a "wonderful profession." It was very inspirational and reinforced my purpose for being here and wanting to be a doctor. It made me want to change things. It made me want to be like the Gold's and somehow change the faltering system for the better. I just don't know how I would go about doing that. There are so many problems within the profession, within the admissions process, within the education process, within the health care system, within our country that need to be solved. And while we can't all solve them in one fell swoop, it would be nice to know that I was a part of that change. Overlyambitious I guess.

I really wish I would get over this fear of speakin in public or in a small group. I guess it's because I feel like my thoughts are insignificant or even if they were significant I don't feel like I could articulate them well enough. I feel like somewhere between my brain and my mouth my thoughts go to crap. And sometimes I feel like my thoughts are already crap and my mouth would just worsen things. I feel naive and ignorant to so many things. And although I know more now than I ever did before, I just don't think it's enough. I guess it's just a personal journey I need to take within myself. I need to speak. I need to be heard and feel like I deserve to be heard. All a part of the growing process. In time it will come to me. I will have my chance to make a difference....someday.

It's 3am and I just got back from the library. I have a Physio exam tomorrow. I have never worked this hard in my undergrad, nor have I cared so much that I would bust my ass like this. I am like borderline B+/A- and I soooooo want an A-. I can only miss 2 to keep an A- and get a 90%. If I'm absolutely extremely lucky I will miss 1 out of 23 questions. I have about 3 hours tomorrow before the test to study if I get up at 10...but I think I'll get up at 11. It's weird to see myself care so much about an A. In undergrad if I was borderline then I'd study just enough to get by. But now...it's like I study...not just memorize but study and try to understand. Bizzarre I tell yah....Anyway, wish me luck!

what up everyone? I finished with my 2 quizzes. Haha I totally slacked off and came out ok. I was going for a B on both of them..and pretty much got it. I would make my mom proud hee hee. Right now I'm currently uploading to stupid greedy ass geocities who won't let me upload using FTP and it took a long time and it's just ghetto--isn't that just a paradox.

today was cool. i went to dinner with my friends nelly and melissa to this coal oven pizza place...or wood oven--I don't remember. Then we took food to our friend Mundeep and we all chilled for a couple hours just talking and stuff. it was great. I like my friend Mundeep a lot. I really admire her because she is very outspoken but not in a bad way. She says what's on her mind and isn't afraid to be honest. I wish I were more like that. I think I think too much before I speak...which for me is a just a way to sheild myself from saying something that may or may not be stupid. I wish I were a lot of things but I don't necessarily work on it so that I can reach that goal. It's just in my nature I suppose---even that statement in itself sounds like a cop-out so I won't have to try...but really I think this is just how I am and I shouldn't try to change. Granted I should try and improve my weaknesses but to expect myself to change completely would be stupid.

I'm going home in 10 days. I'm excited but anxious. I hope me and Kyle are fine when I get back. Like I hope it doesn't feel different or something. I don't think it will cuz whenever we're together things just seem to click and we have a great time. We're gonna go watch Disney on Ice Beauty and the Beast with my family on Saturday hehe...how gay but it should be fun and cool! He's supposed to take me to go eat Mexican food too--sooo can't wait cuz like I said before...there's no Mexican food here in Philly that I can walk to!

a thing to ponder...."preventive" or "preventative"? hehehe.

OK. Why can't I concentrate on studying for this damn test? I have 2 quizzes on Tuesday on Physio and Microanatomy. But what did I do today? I woke up at 1. Chatted online and did random stuff like talk on the phone, get tix for my mom to Disney On Ice(which I will write about in a minute), cooked dinner/lunch which I ate at like 5, took a shower and didn't start studying until like 630. Now that I have started studying I don't feel like it's effective. I feel like I'm not retaining anything. I should have gone to class hee hee. I gotta watch this one lecture cuz it's confusing. My arrogant ass thought I could just read the lecture and I'll be fine. Little do know....LITERALLY! Scared of failing, but not enough to care at this point. HAHAHA. *shrugs*

Anyway, about the Ticketmaster representative on the phone. Can we say DUMBASS! I waited like 5 min just to reach a customer rep. Then the stupid rep that I do get asks what event, venue. And I tell her. Then she's like so what city are you in--thinking it's like chit chat or something...I say Fontana(which is the billing address for my credit card right?). Then she puts me on hold cuz she can't find it. Comes back...asks me the info again and I make it clear that the even is in ANAHEIM, which I spell out for her. It's DISNEY ON ICE at the ANAHEIM POND I said very clearly. She puts me on hold again! Ten seconds my ass! My counter on my cell phone said I had been on the phone for 25 min and 40 sec! So I hung up. HOW CAN YOU NOT FIND THE DAMN EVENT WOMAN! I should have stayed on just to yell at her. If I--a lowly average person, can find the event AND venue online WHY no earth can't YOU a "well trained professional" find it?!!! I mean where do they get these people? I ended up calling back later and getting a perfectly fine rep who found my event in like TEN SECONDS...how hard was that? *shakes head*

I started using my friend's webcam on Yahoo IM. Or as I call it "YM." It's cool. My friends and family in CA can see me...even my cousin in Sweden can see me! I want my own that's better and has zoom and other stuff..but since I don't really NEED it I'm not gonna buy one. I'll just mooch this one off my friend until he asks for it back. hee hee. Too bad my mom is the epitome of computer illiterateness...she would have been able to see me. Kyle's mom got to see me today and thought it was cool and my aunt and uncle from SD saw me too. Hehe. Yet another obsession. I gotta update my website and put my snow pics on there. Soon soon...after this quiz or something. Sigh back to studying I guess. BLAH!

...13 days and counting til I go back to CA!
STUPID GEOCITIES! Now I have to find another free server. I don't understand why they're taking away the FTP upload feature. It's so much easier geez!

I just got back from bowling with some friends here in Philly. It was fun. I bowled a 128 first game, 96(BLAH!) 2nd game and a 117(eh) the 3rd game. I got to play a free game because I had given the guy 21 bucks on accident when I was supposed to give him 16--this was for 2 people. And when we told him I paid 21 I guess he thought I had paid only for one person so he gave me like 12 bucks back or something. So that was real cool. Then my friend Wylie bought me dinner cuz I spotted him for bowling. Everything was fun up until my friend Wai started doing math at Friendly's--what a dork.

It's weird, everything is different on the East coast. Here, I guess when they all go out they go to Friendly's, which is this ice cream/diner place. Back in the west we all go out to Denny's. They don't have Carl's Jr., In n Out, Jack in the Box, MEXICAN FOOD! or any Filipino restaurants here!!!! :o( Their Albertson grocery stores are called Acme here. They call sprinkles "jimmies" here...wtf is that? It's just different! hehe.

Kyle and I are doing a little better today. I think we are fine but we just get scared especially when we both are bored and start thinking. It's worse when he starts thinking cuz he gets me thinking. At least when I start thinking and get all sad, he tells me everything is going to be alright and reassures me. Maybe I need to do that when he's doubting stuff. Perhaps I need to be stronger sometimes. Ok time to go night night!

Well, I finally overcame my laziness AND have a reason to write in this thing. This summer I moved to Philadelphia to go do a Post-bacc/Graduate program at MCP Hahnemann. At that time my relationship with my ex-boyfriend Kyle blossomed and we got together in October. He would come to visit me and I'd go home. We saw each other at least every month. I don't think we were apart for more than 2 months. This time it's 3 months. I last saw him in January and I'm returning to CA for spring break on March 22. I love him to death and we've been through so much. It's going on 5 years since I fist met him and I never stopped loving him. You're waiting for the "but" right? So this period of time apart is starting to take it's toll on our relationship. It feels like we're getting further and further apart from each other and we don't even know why. My friends say that it is to be expected and as long as there's nothing fundamentally wrong with the relationship then everything should be fine. But we're not fine. We both hurt and are unhappy at how the situation is affecting our relationship. So IS there something wrong or is this a normal occurrence in a long distance relationships? I'm so confused right now. I am just trying to get by until I go home...but he brought up a very good point. What happens next year? I have to stay here for another year. Then what happens in the following years if/when he goes to law school and I get into medical school? I know we should focus on what's happening right now but what happens then if we're across the country and living totally separate lives which is similar to what we do now? We can't afford to visit each other all the time. The hopeless romantic in me can't help but think...we're meant for each other and we can work it out, we'll get through it. But the practical side of me is asking...well what if it doesn't?

These are the thoughts that are going through my head. I don't know who else to talk to, so if anyone can give me some insight on the plight of the couple in the long distance relationship please email me at rent79life@hotmail.com. I'm desparate. I know I'm probably overreacting and I should see what happens when I get home, but I'm a girl and we can't help but overanalyze and obsess over things.

Hi everyone! Instead of posting all this crap on my home page and having to update it over and over and over again...I'm using this. You can make one yourself and you don't even need a webpage. Just somewhere you can vent and people will read it randomly on the blogger site or something. If you do have a blogger and want me to link it on my webpage, email me at rent79life@hotmail.com. I don't know how often I'll update this but I'm usually pretty bored. I'll try to post interesting stuff, but if it's not interesting to you well tough shit haha this is my life I never said it wasn't boring. ;) Much love to you all!