i was just thinking about friends tonight. how some people have a looot of friends and some people only hold a few close and keep acquaintences at a distance. i am of the latter group. not really sure why this is. maybe i'm just lazy and don't feel like wasting my time keeping in touch with people who are not necessarily all that close to me or who may not really care. or it could be that i have trust/insecurity issues when it comes to friendships; you can blame that on me moving around a lot and not having anything really stable. so it takes a lot for me to be close to someone. i dunno. sometimes i feel bad that i don't really have a lot of friends who are kind of in between. most are either really close to me, which are few, and the rest are mostly people i consider people i know through school etc. i'm trying to open up more but it's really hard for me.

i was browsing through friendster looking up my old csa peeps. funny what can happen in 5 years.

careerwise i feel like i'm doing ok and on the right track to being something great. in my personal life i feel like i'm doing crappy and on a track to being alone haha. everything's a tradeoff huh?

when did my life become a drawn out version of a show on the WB?

yay my mom went to watch the ballroom dancing show I got her for Christmas and she loved it. one point for me :) her bday is coming up. not sure what i'm going to do.

Hi all. I am post call meaning I was up for about 30 hours. I have since slept but still feel bleh. It was a pretty good call. I got to see 7 deliveries and helped in some of them.

It was really surreal to watch a baby being born for the first time. The first one I saw was a C-section. And this is even more surreal because you go in there as if it's a regular surgery. You make the incision and start cutting through the layers. Then all of a sudden there's this baby and it's crying. And it's like wtf just happened? I swear childbirth is a complete miracle. The placenta comes out and it looks like something someone made/designed and it's perfectly made. I got to help transfer the baby to the examining table. It was all warm and slimy. I was so scared I was going to drop it. So crazy. My first vaginal birth I saw was of an anencephalic baby. The parents had decided to carry the baby to term instead of terminate the pregnancy when they found out. It was so sad because you know this baby is going to die, and they still went ahead with it, went through the labor and pain just to see their baby and say good bye. It was extremely hard not to cry on either delivery. But after like the 4th one it wasn't so bad.

We had a really difficult(personality wise) patient last night. 21 year old couple, very little prenatal care and so her dates weren't good. she was around 32 weeks pregnant +/- 3 weeks. she had 2 previous c sections which increased her chance for uterine rupture if her uterus continued to contract. we wanted to give her a medicine to stop her contractions b/c the baby was too young and we didn't want her to rupture. b/c she had been given this medication b4 and had some side effects, she didn't want to take it. we tried to explain to her that the risks of the side effects outweighed the risk of her bleeding or having the baby's lungs be underdeveloped. she couldn't understand this for some reason and didn't want the drug. finally she agreed to it. she finally ended up leaving against medical advice(AMA) b/c she said her babysitter had to go home. um ok. i swear people are crazy.

that was my call night. oh and for a few hours i got to hang out with cute paramedic student. boo he didn't leave me his number haha. he was 22 anyway. lol

OBGYN rotation
holy crap i'm tired. and i didn't even have that long a day. got up at 6, worked til 530 watched some TV, read for about an hour or so. And I get 6 weeks of this. I'm on call on Thursday which entails me waking up at 430am and staying at the hospital until 8 or 9am the next day. And I heard you don't get to sleep, which sucks because LOST is on the night before. In the interest of my health and energy, I might just tape it and watch it on Friday, which is my day off. Kinda cool cuz then I get a 3 day weekend sort of because I'll be sleeping half the day Friday. Ok I'll try to keep y'all posted but I don't even know if I'll sign on tomorrow.

what is wrong with people? i wonder what i would do if those were my kids. could i get away with beating the shit out of them?

Ok i don't remember what day i wrote the following post but it was saved as a draft.....whoops:

Today was a blah day. I went to church and was all sad. Didn't do much today. Tried studying this morning and read through the cases I'm going to have for my clinical performance exams tomorrow. Lazed about and watched LOST. Tried studying again. Got bored and sad again. I will welcome the busy-ness of the next 3 months. I'm really lonely. :(

THIS is my post for today. So I started using myway.com which is where you can customize your website. I put word of the day on there and daily fortune and quote of the day right. It's funny cuz the fortunes and word of the day coincide with what i'm feeling worrying about that day. Like today's word was "lethargic." I'm sleepy and lazy as hell today. And the daily fortune was: "Stop searching forever- happiness is just next to you." Today I was wondering if I'll ever be happy in a relationship or when I'll find my next one. Yesterday's was funny, it said, "Someone wants your body." And I think I was feeling insecure that day. I hope I'm not getting sick. I may just hit the hay right now.

ETA of the Matthew Fox calendar I made: ~20 hours. woohoo

Tonight my mom's college classmate came to stay with us and that's one of the main reasons why I was cleaning. She was supposed to come at 4, called and said she was going to be 'late.' That's fine, but 5 rolls around....6 comes. I'm starting to get hungry. Then she calls and says that there was a misunderstanding with her ride. She thought their agreemente was that she was going to call him when she needed a ride. He thought he was supposed to meet her at 3pm at this place. He shows up at 3 and stays til 5 and drives home. This man does not own a cell phone. So I have to go pick her up in West Covina, which is fine. Except that when I get there, they're eating. Backstory to that is my mom got this food from the Filipino place and cooked some food as well, which I was uber looking forward to ALL day.

So they're eating. And being the Filipinos that they are they tell me, "Oh why don't you come and eat." FYI, don't ever try to refuse food from Filipinos. They will not stop until you eat something. So I'm thinking I have passed the pressure and I can just eat and be at peace. I got a small portion because I want to eat at home mind you. I get some fish, some pork. The lady of the house is like do you want fresh lumpia(eggroll). This is how the convo went:

Lady: Oh here try some fresh lumpia.
Me: Oh no thank you it's ok, I'll just have this.
(1 minute later)
Lady: Well do you want some of the soup?
Me: Oh I'm ok with this, thank you.
Lady: You know why don't you try the fresh lumpia. The sauce is very good, so and so made it. It's really good.
Me: No, I'm ok really
(1 minute later)
Lady:(has picked up the bowl of lumpia and is motioning to me) Here, do you want some??
Me: No no, it's ok I don't want any.

You get the point. I think she may have asked one more time and then gave up. On that same token, my sister came with me and I didn't want to make her a plate and feed her cuz that would have prolonged the stay. So I said she had just eaten recently and I would feed her at home. I think they tried to give her food or get me to get her food like 4 times. Why does this happen with Filipinos? Why can't they just be satisfied with a "No thank you." And why do they always make you feel guilty/wrong for not taking their damn food. C'MON! I want to eat this rice, fish and pork and NOT the fresh lumpia. Give it a rest already!

I drove home and ate my mom's cooking too :) I'm a pig, but I didn't know what else to do. If I had known how much badgering I would have gotten about my sister and the lumpia, I might as well have said I didn't want to eat.

OK SEE it happened again. The lady that's staying with us asked me 30 min ago if I was going to sleep...at 10 minute increments she asks or says that we should go to bed cuz it's late. It's funny my sister just gave her this look like "yeah ok whatever." HAHA!

I am a cleaning machine!!! I finally finished vaccuuming the whole house. And when I say "the whole house" I mean everything. The curtains, all the cobwebs and dead ants and crap. I'm so proud of myself. The house is clean....except my room haha as always. I love love love our new vaccum haha. I am really starting to sound like Monica on Friends. Ok time for me to shower cuz I feel nasty from all the dust flying about.

Peace out yo!