well it's been a few months since i've blogged. lately i've been feeling a bit depressed and feeling like my life is in chaos, but today i realized nothing is going to change if i don't change it. so i am going to try to get my credit in check. my credit score is actually not that bad, but i would like to get rid of my credit debt and keep it off. all that is intertwined with my relationship with my mom. it's hard to communicate with her because most of the time she takes it the wrong way. we use my credit cards for alot of our purchases which isn't good cuz then they get maxed out and my credit score goes down. i would someday like to be able to buy a house and a good car, but i need good credit to do so. so i gotta keep that in check.

as far as my mom goes, since i've moved back we've had a volatile relationship. one day we will be great and in a second we'll be yelling at each other, or i'll be mad/frustrated at something inconsiderate she's done. i kinda wanna have a talk with her to minimize all that, but i'm apprehensive because i don't really know what will become of it. what i really want to tell her is to get off her ass, manage her time well(because she watches way too much tv) and just be considerate. she knows i'm pressed for time and yet she schedules or shall i say doesn't schedule things accordingly like my time isn't important. come to think of it, i don't think i'll have that discussion with her. i can already see it going bad. now, you all might think that i'm just being pessimistic and chickening out, but i'd like to let you all know that i have tried communicating with her on numerous occasions. you can't have an adult conversation with this woman. seriously. i have to find the right time to bring it up. we'll see what happens.

ok after i vented, i see that my life really isn't in chaos, i just feel overwhelmed at times. i'm super anal and want everything to be perfect. and life isn't perfect. the sooner i understand that, the sooner i'll be able to handle life.

so i'm at coffee bean killing time before i meet my friend christie at souplantation and i brought my computer so i could do work. there's a wireless connection here but i couldn't use it. when i open my IE it's an SBC home page type deal and it says you could pay 4 bucks for 2 hours of connection. so i paid and woohoo, then there was a connection. so i think i'll be hanging out here :) i'm gonna go watch willy wonka in 15 minutes at the theater next door...all by myself.

today i had 4 patients and i actually got to eat lunch even tho dr. lai came early. i think i'm getting faster woohoo. i'm down to 2 patients...will probably get a new one tomorrow. woohoo.

things i'm looking forward to:
1. moving back home and actually have a HOME...say goodbye to my nomad days
2. getting DSL at my house...15 bucks a month for 1.5 Mbps....if that sux then 25 bucks for 3Mbps
3. getting netflix...10 bucks for unlimitted DVDs a month...only get to keep one at a time, but that's totally fiine with me.
4. disneyland this weekend
5. tom petty next weekend
6. hawaii in september
7. vegas in september
8. getting my car fixed someday

things i'm not looking forward to:
1. surgery at arrowhead
2. having to move to another rotation and get used to their ways there.
3. moving back home and actually having to organize all my crap...

so i decided to blog a lil blurb of random thoughts

my rotation is going well. it's a lot of busy work. not really learning alot about medicine per se but i'm learning about the runnings of a hospital and how much work it is to manage patients. hopefully i'm getting better at it rather than just staying where i am.

peter jennings died, sad huh? so sudden.

i feel busy, i did a lot today. worked straight from 9-330 no breaks no lunch. went and got dinner for my cousins...came home and ate...and i've been on the computer for a few hours running errands and what not. now it's time for a shower so i don't have to take one tomorrow. i'm gonna try to go in at 8 tomorrow b/c we have 2 lectures....and we start rounding at 1230...but have to be done w/ patients at 11 cuz our lecture starts at 11.

i'm actually going to starbucks to study for a couple of hours cuz i want to. how crazy is that. lol

You scored as . Ron Weasley 70% Hermione Granger 70% Remus Lupin 65% Albus Dumbledore 60% Severus Snape 60% Draco Malfoy 55% Ginny Weasley 50% Harry Potter 45% Sirius Black 35% Lord Voldemort 20% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

ahh. for the past two nights all i've done is veg. i haven't done it in so long. i just sat and watched tv for HOURS. :) But right now i'm going to read the 2 articles Dr. Lai gave us so I can just get it out of the way.

listening to: Gwen Stefani-Cool

Comlex scores

woohoo I passed again!

Score: 497
Percent: 79%

it's really weird that i did better on this than the usmle. it's out of 800 points and you need 400 to pass. yay for me! I'm finally officially a 3rd year.

HELL FREAKIN YEAH!!!!

I passed!! I passed!! I seriously feel like I got into med school all over again. This is a great feeling and I haven't felt this way in so long! It's refreshing.

The USMLE is the boards all M.D.'s have to take. Being a D.O. and passing the USMLE makes you more competitive because they can measure you against M.D.'s. I don't HAVE to pass these boards, but it is to my benefit if I do.

Passing is usually a score of 182...(I can't remember out of how much) and a percentage of 75%.

My score: 207
Percent: 84%

I called my mom and told her to check the mail. She said she would call me back with my score. When she called she asked, "What's passing?" and I told her 182. And she's like you got an 84. And i'm like um...are you sure it's not a 184?? And she was like no it's an 84. And I'm like is it the percent? and she's like yes 84% whew!! then she told me my score.

Rotation: OMM
Other Western Students: Cherrie Gilleon, Ila Pourashem(sp?), Cindy Chen
Preceptor: Dr. Joseph Watson aka the red head hippie
Schedule:
M 12-6(i got out at 715 today)
Tues and Thurs 9-5(most likely 6)
Wed off
Friday 9-2

Pros: It's in Del Mar, so nice weather and you can see the ocean from the office. I get Wed off. I don't have to go in until 12 on Monday.

Cons: I GOT OUT AT 715 TODAY!!! grrrr
My preceptor is a freakin hippie--yep, like those guys who came to lecture us during psych--yep, he had a book of those weird psychadelic pictures. He's preachy about the government/politics, his philosophy about the profession(very anti-pharmaceuticals, pro-nutrition) etc etc. so not only does he TALK alot...I don't know what he's talking about 80% of the time!!! And not cuz I zone out which is like 70% of the time, but even when i pay attention!! He was talking about how the distance btwn our teeth is the same as the distance between here to the moon, if you think about it in atomic energy??? i don't know.

There isn't very much structure. We were sitting there not really knowing what to do. Every now and then he would be like go upstairs and see the patient there. No guidance, just go. So I didn't really LEARN anything, I just pretty much went with what I knew and that was enough. I didn't learn how to document really--his charting is retarded; not at all like how they have charts at the OMM clinic. So I would just improvise.

Most interesting thing of the day: Dr. Crazy was working on this lady(first patient--we were observing) and he started at her feet. I noticed she would jerk her head randomly and so i assumed she had some weird tick or something. Then later he mentioned something about, "See how she's reacting to the treatment." And then when he got to her head, she started spontaneously moving her head in weird places and then it wasn't just her head it was her torso and arms, while Dr. Crazy just followed her into whatever position she was going into. SO FREAKING WEIRD! It was like watching one of those evangelical shows on TV where the priest is ridding the person of the devil. I'd never seen anything liike it in my life. And I didn't wanna ASK him cuz then he would have gone off on one of his rants about energy and the spirit.

FUCK!!! Two and a half weeks left until my first set of board exams(COMLEX). I have been diligently studying for boards for the last few weeks. So can someone explain to me why I'm getting lower scores on my qbank practice questions?? I got the LOWEST score I ever today. I think my brain is fried. it's just so disheartening to do worse after you've been trying so hard. TWO AND A HALF WEEKS!!!!

I took this Specialty Aptitude test to see what specialty fits my personality. is that bad that the specialty i want to go into is at the bottom of the list??

Rank Specialty Score
1 dermatology 46
2 physical med & rehabilitation 44
3 pediatrics 44
4 radiology 43
5 occupational med 43
6 rheumatology 43
7 hematology 43
8 general internal med 42
9 anesthesiology 42
10 ophthalmology 41
11 obstetrics/gynecology 41
12 otolaryngology 40
13 radiation oncology 40
14 gastroenterology 40
15 endocrinology 39
16 pulmonology 39
17 nephrology 39
18 med oncology 39
19 colon & rectal surgery 39
20 pathology 39
21 general surgery 39
22 plastic surgery 39
23 psychiatry 38
24 urology 38
25 orthopaedic surgery 38
26 nuclear med 38
27 neurology 38
28 emergency med 38
29 infectious disease 38
30 cardiology 37
31 allergy & immunology 37
32 neurosurgery 37
33 thoracic surgery 37
34 preventive med 36
35 aerospace med 36
36 family practice 34

So i MIGHT still be able to rotate through OMM in Hawaii. How awesome would that be?! One month in Hawaii with my dad and brothers. It would be like a pseudo va-k with free lodging. I'd have to work 6/7 days of the week, but then I heard you get out early 2 of the days. My brother could TOTALLY teach me how to surf--or I could take lessons. I could get nice and tan. woohoo.

I have 2, count em 2 exams tomorrow and somehow I'm not stressing it for shit. Lord knows why. I need to do well. I'm gonna get something to eat right now, then go to church, then spend the rest of the afternoon studying. Gotta love it.

today i had montclair clinic. it was a women's clinic tonight and i did my first "real" pap smear. i felt bad cuz i couldn't really find the cervix. and then when i was taking the specimen she started bleeding. poor thing. I'M SORRY i'm inexperienced! then my dumbass forgot to finish up with the patient so she was waiting in the room forever. i felt so bad. otherwise it was a cool night. the resident and the nurse said my notes were good :)

i had a first year following me. i hate it cuz i'm ok looking like a dumbass to the patient, but someone shadowing me vaguely knows what's going on. so there's all this pressure to know stuff cuz you're the 2nd year and should know this shit cuz you're about to go on rotations. bleh. i guess i just have to get used to looking like a dumbass cuz starting june 27th that's all i'll ever be looking like. wish me luck.

And you thought you could fold a shirt.

How awesome is that?! I tried it and it works! i will fold like that from now on. so fast!

so i've once again reverted to my "depressed state". what is that you may ask? well it's a little better than before. i am not crying incessantly, but i am playing that damned spider game again instead of studying. i also can't get up in the morning. i would love to just stay in bed until everything is better again. but nooo nothing will get better if i stay in bed. it will only get worse because i will fail in school and have wasted like 150 grand on it. so not only will i be a depressed fool, i will be a failure haha.

i know it's a waste but i just keep sitting here wishing for things that aren't at all possible. i keep thinking of ways to make it better. i keep wondering when all of this will finally run its course and things will be "normal" again for me; instead of this weird day to day life i lead that is only bearable by distractions such as studying. so basically, if i can master getting my ass up in the morning, find a way to never be in my apartment alone unless i'm eating or watching tv, and figure out how to fall asleep once i hit the bed, then i can be "ok." hmm wonder if that's healthy. prolly not.

i didn't really accomplish my goals for the day. i need to get to bed soon because i'm trying to get up at 7am tomorrow. but i'm not sleepy. so i'll prolly end up crying myself to sleep again. WOOHOO can't wait. tomorrow should be a busy tiring day. class from 8-5, then doing micro for an undisclosed amount of time. then american idol and house. then prolly do a qbank. good night all.

i'm obsessed with the show Lost....must buy DVD in July when it supposedly comes out. I think i would be a more obsessed fan if I wasn't so lazy to look things up. Sucks that there's only like one person I know that watches the show. I don't think anyone gets my obsession....oh well, it keeps me sane anyway. that's what tv's for right?

I can't believe it's Thursday. I didn't work as hard as I did last week, but then again I don't have a test on Monday. I feel like I've been working my ass off, and yet I'm sure there are people out there working twice as hard as I am. I just don't wanna burn out. I think I'm going at a reasonable pace.

I got my GI grade today. I did ok, passed and above the mean. I'm ok with that. I'm freaking tired! I actually went to my 8am class this morning cuz it was Dr. Yang. She's the best.

Oh and I got more spots filled on my rotations schedule. I'm doing OBGYN at Arrowhead and Peds at Citrus Valley. I dunno if I posted the rest of my schedule, but I'll post the finalized one cuz they're still trying to figure shit out, and hopefully I can trade my farther rotations.

I think I'm going to sleep early tonight. I have to take a shower tho...and that might end up waking me up. Wouldn't that just be great. Or I could just go to sleep now and see what time I wake up tomorrow.

I feel like there's such a hole in my life right now. I'm doing everything I need to be doing in my life, and yet I still feel incomplete.

listening to: Jason Mraz-Absolutely Zero

Finally reinstalled Hello. Here is a pic of me and my sibs: Erwin(15), Andrew(9), Matess(23) and Me(25--i'm old yes i know). 

Random Occurence of the Day
So I stayed in Fontana last night because I was too lazy to drive back to my apartment, plus I think my sister wanted me to stay home. This morning I had an exam and I didn't really have time to fill up my gas tank. The light had just turned on which means I had 30 more miles to go before I ran out of gas. So I get to school fine. But I forgot to fill up after school and when I went to my friend Sheila's house. So after we watched Desperate Housewives and Eurotrip, I went to my car. But...IT WOULDLN'T START! I was like crap, I think I'm out of gas.

Sheila drove me to the gas station and I had to buy one of those little tank thingies for gas. There were some British tourists there that were having problems with their pump. So Sheila and I tried to help them, but we couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then I couldn't figure out how to fill the tank that I bought. The attendant ended up coming out and helping the both of us.

We drove back to Sheila's and assembled the nozzle for the tank. BUT it started leaking gas when I tried to put it in the hole. It kept leaking gas, so Sheila suggested that we just pour the gas straight from the tank into the nozzle...without using the pump thing. And it worked! Took a while but it worked!

It must have looked really funny with two filipino girls trying to figure out how to put gas into a car.

Random occurence of the day: My cousin's fiance IMed me and told me that my cousin talked to Kyle b/c he had a job for him...and Kyle told my cousin to tell me that he missed me. I just thought that was really random and weird of him. Good thing my cousin didn't really think so. Anyway, I was almost happy to hear that. I guess hearing anything about him would elicit that reaction.

Quote of the Day
Mr. Incredible/Bob Par: Well, what are you waiting for?
Little boy: I dunno, something amazing I guess..
Mr. Incredible/Bob Par: Me too kid.

And I continue to wait...SOMEthing's bound to happen. In the meantime I'll just float through my life getting to where I need to be, doing the things I need to do.

Today I met my half brothers for the first time. I will post a picture once I can figure that out cuz I think I deleted "Hello" from my computer. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was gonna be. My brothers seem pretty cool. Erwin is 15 and Andrew is 9. Erwin reminds me so much of my cousin Ben: loves surfing and plays the guitar. Andrew looks a lot like me when I was a kid and he talks ALOT(i think i was like that when i was young too). They seemed to enjoy their time here in CA and by enjoy I mean LOVE.

Right now I'm "finishing up" studying for my test tomorrow. I hope I do ok.

HEY! i just looked at my "goals for the week" and i FINALLY accomplished one. good job me. :)