pendelum swings...altho not far from where i was at last blog when my blog got erased. i got in an "argument" and it was a stupid one that shouldn't even had happened. you know when your voices just get louder and louder and you don't really know why? anyway, so i withdrew 60 bucks from my discover card b/c the nail salon place would only take cash for my sister's mani/pedi and facial. i didn't have enough money in my bank so i took it out of my discover. yeah i could have withdrawn the money i was saving for rent...but i didn't know when i was going to sign the lease and didn't want to risk it. discover charges me 5 bucks! FIVE DOLLARS! for getting a cash advance. i was never aware of this ridiculous fee...i knew there was a fee of 1.50.....but add to that 5 dollars? ludicrous. so she tells me not to withdraw money from the discover card anymore....which c'mon now, just seeing that fee would tell anyone not to do that anymore. the convo following this is fuzzy, but all i remember is that i was trying to explain why i withdrew the money...it's a natural reaction esp since she asked why right? then she says i know and tells me a second time.....just don't take money out of your discover...next time just take 200 dollars out. would this confuse anyone? a little. so i'm not understanding her and i ask questions...she's getting more annoyed and irritated. why would i take 200 if she told me not to take money out of the card....she means take 200 out of my account....uh i don't HAVE 200 bucks to be taking out of my account. long story short it escalated into me yelling that i was just trying to explain to her what happened and her yelling that i always have something to say and that i can't just say "ok next time i won't take the money out of the card OR i will call the card next time to make sure there are no charges OR i will call the place next time to see if they take cash or not"...i distinctly recall me saying "OK" when she told me not to take money out of the card AND recall me THINKING "well i'm not gonna do that again." so what's the deal??

MY theory is she's frustrated at something else about me...right Dr. Phil? so why doesn't she just say it? i think she's frustrated about a lot of things....i'm moving out in a month, i spend a lot of time with kyle, i've changed since philly and am not afraid to TALK but she's afraid to LISTEN. judging from her ramblings when i finally decided to shut up since i knew she wasn't listening to me anyway, i think she feels inadequate as a mother and she's taking it out on me. she doesn't think i appreciate her and she thinks i think i'm better than her. there may be some validity in that but i never said it OUT LOUD...AND if she has a problem with it she should make changes in her life so she can feel better about herself, not taking it out on me. i'll admit i've gotten more selfish since getting back from philly but i think it's a good selfish. selfish enough to know i need to do stuff for me.

THEN i try to make ammends by deciding to call her consolidation company to inquire about her loans and fix stuff...so i ask her what her birth year is cuz they need that confirmation info......and she--does--not--answer. silent treatment all the way. now does anyone think i did anythign wrong for me to have to apologize? i didn't insult her...i was just trying to explain things, get answers, etc......the only reason my tone started changing was b/c hers did....and possibly the only thing i may be guilty of is not being the bigger person(right away) and letting her get to me. but seriously, do i deserve the silent treatment? perhaps not for this little incident...but for deeper things she's frustrated about? and i will close with the statement that my mother says that i'm always saying.......it's not my fault. and i really don't think it is.....