I feel alone right now. I also feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I don't know how to get out of it. Work/school is ok. It's teaching me interpersonal skills and how to adapt quickly to new situations. But my personal life is really sad to me right now. Like my school/work life IS my personal life. My fortune today said, "Your job will not teach you about life." I wonder if that's true. There's more out there than the hospital. More to experience than that. And I see everyone else "enjoying" other things.

And it's not like I don't have anything. I have my family, I have friends and I've got a career. You would think I'd be happier. I think alot of people in my class are feeling like this. I just really want to be happy.

Ok, here's me trying to be positive.

Highlights of my day:
1. Wrapping the little newborn babies like burritos. Oh how they love to be swaddled.
2. My half brother called me "sis" today.
3. "Everwood" is back! And they played 2 new episodes.

Things to look forward to this week:
1. The weekend.
2. Lost on Wed.
3. Swaddling the babies hehe.

Excerpts from Jason Mraz's "Life is Wonderful"
Man can put together some words...
It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes a word to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes some dust to make it polished

I love finding things that I need on sale! Especially things I know I will use alot. There are these shoes that everyone uses in the medical field because they're comfy and fit to your feet. I have a pair but they're for pants/scrubs. So, I saw my coworker wearing a skirt with these cute shoes. When she mentioned they were Dansko's I bit. The link is below. Awesome price. Free shipping. Who could ask for more?

Dansko Bridget's

To relieve your road rage.

What a great weekend. I thought this weekend was going to be spent being lonely and feeling sorry for myself. But my cousin Novette from SD emailed me and said she wanted to drive up and visit! So she drove up Friday night and we watched Grey's Anatomy season 1 til we fell asleep.

Saturday morning we had an idea to go to Lake Arrowhead since it had just rained and it would be pretty with snow up there. However, my cousin didn't pack clothes for the snow, so we decided to go to Glendale to visit our Goddaughter and nephew. On the way we stopped by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles because Novette had never eaten there. So good!

So we went to dinner with my cousins from Glendale only 2 hours after the chicken and waffles and were STUFFED. We came back to their house and played with the kids for a couple hours.

My other cousin, Lisa, from Woodland Hills texted me and said they were going to be in downtown pasadena(right next door to glendale) that night. Perfect! I left my sister in Glendale and we went out to Union Cattle Company. Had a few drinks and had a blast!

Sunday we vegged and watched Greys again. At night we ate dinner at Spaghetti Factory and then took my sis to Dave and Busters.

Great weekend. Last weekend was great too. Next weekend will be fun with 2 bridal showers and a bbq. If certain things happen within this week, next weekend will be AWESOME.

i was just thinking about friends tonight. how some people have a looot of friends and some people only hold a few close and keep acquaintences at a distance. i am of the latter group. not really sure why this is. maybe i'm just lazy and don't feel like wasting my time keeping in touch with people who are not necessarily all that close to me or who may not really care. or it could be that i have trust/insecurity issues when it comes to friendships; you can blame that on me moving around a lot and not having anything really stable. so it takes a lot for me to be close to someone. i dunno. sometimes i feel bad that i don't really have a lot of friends who are kind of in between. most are either really close to me, which are few, and the rest are mostly people i consider people i know through school etc. i'm trying to open up more but it's really hard for me.

i was browsing through friendster looking up my old csa peeps. funny what can happen in 5 years.

careerwise i feel like i'm doing ok and on the right track to being something great. in my personal life i feel like i'm doing crappy and on a track to being alone haha. everything's a tradeoff huh?

when did my life become a drawn out version of a show on the WB?

yay my mom went to watch the ballroom dancing show I got her for Christmas and she loved it. one point for me :) her bday is coming up. not sure what i'm going to do.

Hi all. I am post call meaning I was up for about 30 hours. I have since slept but still feel bleh. It was a pretty good call. I got to see 7 deliveries and helped in some of them.

It was really surreal to watch a baby being born for the first time. The first one I saw was a C-section. And this is even more surreal because you go in there as if it's a regular surgery. You make the incision and start cutting through the layers. Then all of a sudden there's this baby and it's crying. And it's like wtf just happened? I swear childbirth is a complete miracle. The placenta comes out and it looks like something someone made/designed and it's perfectly made. I got to help transfer the baby to the examining table. It was all warm and slimy. I was so scared I was going to drop it. So crazy. My first vaginal birth I saw was of an anencephalic baby. The parents had decided to carry the baby to term instead of terminate the pregnancy when they found out. It was so sad because you know this baby is going to die, and they still went ahead with it, went through the labor and pain just to see their baby and say good bye. It was extremely hard not to cry on either delivery. But after like the 4th one it wasn't so bad.

We had a really difficult(personality wise) patient last night. 21 year old couple, very little prenatal care and so her dates weren't good. she was around 32 weeks pregnant +/- 3 weeks. she had 2 previous c sections which increased her chance for uterine rupture if her uterus continued to contract. we wanted to give her a medicine to stop her contractions b/c the baby was too young and we didn't want her to rupture. b/c she had been given this medication b4 and had some side effects, she didn't want to take it. we tried to explain to her that the risks of the side effects outweighed the risk of her bleeding or having the baby's lungs be underdeveloped. she couldn't understand this for some reason and didn't want the drug. finally she agreed to it. she finally ended up leaving against medical advice(AMA) b/c she said her babysitter had to go home. um ok. i swear people are crazy.

that was my call night. oh and for a few hours i got to hang out with cute paramedic student. boo he didn't leave me his number haha. he was 22 anyway. lol

OBGYN rotation
holy crap i'm tired. and i didn't even have that long a day. got up at 6, worked til 530 watched some TV, read for about an hour or so. And I get 6 weeks of this. I'm on call on Thursday which entails me waking up at 430am and staying at the hospital until 8 or 9am the next day. And I heard you don't get to sleep, which sucks because LOST is on the night before. In the interest of my health and energy, I might just tape it and watch it on Friday, which is my day off. Kinda cool cuz then I get a 3 day weekend sort of because I'll be sleeping half the day Friday. Ok I'll try to keep y'all posted but I don't even know if I'll sign on tomorrow.

what is wrong with people? i wonder what i would do if those were my kids. could i get away with beating the shit out of them?

Ok i don't remember what day i wrote the following post but it was saved as a draft.....whoops:

Today was a blah day. I went to church and was all sad. Didn't do much today. Tried studying this morning and read through the cases I'm going to have for my clinical performance exams tomorrow. Lazed about and watched LOST. Tried studying again. Got bored and sad again. I will welcome the busy-ness of the next 3 months. I'm really lonely. :(

THIS is my post for today. So I started using myway.com which is where you can customize your website. I put word of the day on there and daily fortune and quote of the day right. It's funny cuz the fortunes and word of the day coincide with what i'm feeling worrying about that day. Like today's word was "lethargic." I'm sleepy and lazy as hell today. And the daily fortune was: "Stop searching forever- happiness is just next to you." Today I was wondering if I'll ever be happy in a relationship or when I'll find my next one. Yesterday's was funny, it said, "Someone wants your body." And I think I was feeling insecure that day. I hope I'm not getting sick. I may just hit the hay right now.

ETA of the Matthew Fox calendar I made: ~20 hours. woohoo

Tonight my mom's college classmate came to stay with us and that's one of the main reasons why I was cleaning. She was supposed to come at 4, called and said she was going to be 'late.' That's fine, but 5 rolls around....6 comes. I'm starting to get hungry. Then she calls and says that there was a misunderstanding with her ride. She thought their agreemente was that she was going to call him when she needed a ride. He thought he was supposed to meet her at 3pm at this place. He shows up at 3 and stays til 5 and drives home. This man does not own a cell phone. So I have to go pick her up in West Covina, which is fine. Except that when I get there, they're eating. Backstory to that is my mom got this food from the Filipino place and cooked some food as well, which I was uber looking forward to ALL day.

So they're eating. And being the Filipinos that they are they tell me, "Oh why don't you come and eat." FYI, don't ever try to refuse food from Filipinos. They will not stop until you eat something. So I'm thinking I have passed the pressure and I can just eat and be at peace. I got a small portion because I want to eat at home mind you. I get some fish, some pork. The lady of the house is like do you want fresh lumpia(eggroll). This is how the convo went:

Lady: Oh here try some fresh lumpia.
Me: Oh no thank you it's ok, I'll just have this.
(1 minute later)
Lady: Well do you want some of the soup?
Me: Oh I'm ok with this, thank you.
Lady: You know why don't you try the fresh lumpia. The sauce is very good, so and so made it. It's really good.
Me: No, I'm ok really
(1 minute later)
Lady:(has picked up the bowl of lumpia and is motioning to me) Here, do you want some??
Me: No no, it's ok I don't want any.

You get the point. I think she may have asked one more time and then gave up. On that same token, my sister came with me and I didn't want to make her a plate and feed her cuz that would have prolonged the stay. So I said she had just eaten recently and I would feed her at home. I think they tried to give her food or get me to get her food like 4 times. Why does this happen with Filipinos? Why can't they just be satisfied with a "No thank you." And why do they always make you feel guilty/wrong for not taking their damn food. C'MON! I want to eat this rice, fish and pork and NOT the fresh lumpia. Give it a rest already!

I drove home and ate my mom's cooking too :) I'm a pig, but I didn't know what else to do. If I had known how much badgering I would have gotten about my sister and the lumpia, I might as well have said I didn't want to eat.

OK SEE it happened again. The lady that's staying with us asked me 30 min ago if I was going to sleep...at 10 minute increments she asks or says that we should go to bed cuz it's late. It's funny my sister just gave her this look like "yeah ok whatever." HAHA!

I am a cleaning machine!!! I finally finished vaccuuming the whole house. And when I say "the whole house" I mean everything. The curtains, all the cobwebs and dead ants and crap. I'm so proud of myself. The house is clean....except my room haha as always. I love love love our new vaccum haha. I am really starting to sound like Monica on Friends. Ok time for me to shower cuz I feel nasty from all the dust flying about.

Peace out yo!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!...well 36 more minutes and it will be for me. I am sitting at home, on the computer blogging. I'm spending a nice and quiet new years at home. It doesn't feel as lame as I thought it would be. For the last 30 minutes of 2005 I am going to put the clean sheets on the bed in the guest room. I'm such a party animal!!!

so i've had an ok couple of days. been busy working on the house, shopping, etc etc. i bought alot actually:
1. vacuum cleaner $60, 2 bras $30, GC ended up paying only $20 bucks
2. hp printer(on backorder boooo): $30 after rebate
3. liz claiborne purse at zappos.com: $60 with $20 coupon only $40
4. underwear 5/$25, tube top $15, blouse $19 at victorias secret: ~$75 after GC $5!
5. long sleeve T at target $9

after all that i only ended up spending around 100 for all of that. awesome.

i was cleaning out my room. and why oh why do i always have to get nostalgic when i do that. usually i welcome the nostalgia, but today it just made me sad. i've been missing him lately; not because i want to get back together with him, but because i can't. does that make any sense? maybe someday it could happen, but there are no guarantees in life, and who knows if the people we become will want to have a relationship with each other. there are people getting married all around me. i know of 5 couples that are going to get married within the next two years. not that i'm saying i want to get married right now. it's just...shouldn't i at least be close? those are just the random thoughts that go through my head while i sift through all my junk.

wee! just joined netflix. these next 2 weeks are gonna be great! yeah i'm lame but i don't care what you think!

PICTURES!

How cute is my Goddaughter? She's almost 3 years old and can work a room with her cuteness.

This is her 8 month old brother, equally as cute but a little more subdued. His interests include chewing on paper, leather and anything he can get his hands on.

Novette, Karissa and I on Christmas Eve.

Mi familia: Mom, Matess and I

yeah it's 3am. yeah i'm still up. yeah i just got home. no idea why i'm online, but i am. i think it was the coffee.

anyway, i drove SO MUCH today. it was the equivalent of driving to san diego and back. how fun is that? i survived, and so did my precious car. poor thing.

now i am just rambling. these are things i would tell a bf if i had one. this is probably why i don't have a bf b/c this is the random shit i would talk about when i called him to say good night. lol

family time was good tonight. reminisced with my cousins. hung out. ate. ok seriously this is sad rambling so i'm gonna stop typing. OH cool thing tonight. I was driving home and looking at the moon...and then I hit this fog and the moon disappeared. I dunno, I never witnessed that before and I don't know why I think it's so cool now but it was. Ok i'm gonna stop seriously....

Happy Christmas Eve Eve! I'm FINALLY done with everything Christmas. Gifts are wrapped and ready to be doled out. It sux no one is online cuz they've all gone home for Christmas hehe. I have a lot of cleaning anyway....and laundry. Procrastinating is bad people.

So, the red head came and dropped by gifts that his mom got me and a ticket to the Kings game on Monday! I finally get to wear MY OWN King's Jersey to the game! yay. I kinda felt bad because I didn't get his family ANYTHING and his mom got me TONS of stuff: 2 knit blouses, 2 pairs of gloves, a scarf, fuzzy socks, 2 lip gloss key chains, and a Victoria's Secret gift card. It was insane! Oh and the Kings ticket. And all I got them was an e-card. Not even a REAL card, an e-card. But but we're broken up. I'm not SUPPOSED to get them anything. I'm trying to set boundaries. I mean old Christina would have TOTALLY gotten them something. But at this point I really can't do that for various reasons you know?

I'm excited for tomorrow. In the morning we're gonna go see my cousin in Glendale and her kids. And then I get to play with them alll day until my aunt's party in Granada Hills. :) Christmas Day will be spent in Glendale at my OTHER aunt's house.

Merry Christmas to all!