i don't want to study. i actually wouldn't just mind sleeping alllll day and not doing anything. too bad kyle isn't here cuz then we could just cuddle all day. it's all raining outside too but it's all muggy and humid--yuck. it's ok in my apartment though. i don't know what else to write. i just don't want to study stupid neuro...

OH I almost forgot. I got an A in Microanatomy and an A- in Physiology, which brings my GPA to a 3.8. I have 2 more classes to go and if I get an A- in Neuro and a B+ in Medicine and Society, my GPA will be a 3.74...bringing my cummulative to a 3.45. woohoo. I'm so proud of myself right now.

Hmm so many things are on my mind. I just got back from Spring Break in CA. I had a wonderful time. I spent most of it with my family and Kyle. I ate out all week, which is kind of cool but at the same time sad haha. While I was there, I spent some time at home and got to remember how it was to live at home and the dynamic that me and my mom had. It was weird because I'm always so lazy here. But when I was at home, I was on the go and doing stuff. I felt busy, responsible and needed. I think that's it: I felt needed. It's a good feeling, at least for me. I like knowing that I'm taking care of people. I guess that's why I want to be a doctor. Doctors are needed and they serve a unique purpose. Which is a good segway into my next subject. MEDICINE

We just had this lectureship today by Dr. Rubenstein, Dean of the School of Medicine at UPENN. Also attending the lecture was Arnold P. Gold and his wife Susan Gold. They founded the Arnold P. Gold Foundation which is an organization that is involved with improving the medical profession. He spoke of the humanism in medicine and why it's still a "wonderful profession." It was very inspirational and reinforced my purpose for being here and wanting to be a doctor. It made me want to change things. It made me want to be like the Gold's and somehow change the faltering system for the better. I just don't know how I would go about doing that. There are so many problems within the profession, within the admissions process, within the education process, within the health care system, within our country that need to be solved. And while we can't all solve them in one fell swoop, it would be nice to know that I was a part of that change. Overlyambitious I guess.

I really wish I would get over this fear of speakin in public or in a small group. I guess it's because I feel like my thoughts are insignificant or even if they were significant I don't feel like I could articulate them well enough. I feel like somewhere between my brain and my mouth my thoughts go to crap. And sometimes I feel like my thoughts are already crap and my mouth would just worsen things. I feel naive and ignorant to so many things. And although I know more now than I ever did before, I just don't think it's enough. I guess it's just a personal journey I need to take within myself. I need to speak. I need to be heard and feel like I deserve to be heard. All a part of the growing process. In time it will come to me. I will have my chance to make a difference....someday.