Death

Yes, I know. What a morbid subject to be talking about, but death and the subject of mortality are all around me lately. It might have a lot to do with the fact that I work at a hospital, but nevertheless, it's been on my mind quite often.

It all started during my Medicine rotation when half of our list of patients were cancer patients. Some were newly diagnosed with terminal cancer, while others have had cancer for a long time and were losing the battle. One in particular is a woman who has breast cancer that spread to her brain and bones, leaving her in excruciating pain. She is 33 years old, has two children and is slowly trying to process and come to terms with the fact that she will never be normal again, and probably won't live to see her children grow up. Just from that example alone I think you can appreciate why I am writing about this subject.

Onto personal matters, my uncle was diagnosed with throat cancer a few months ago. He is in the process of getting treated with chemotherapy and radiation. He has six children and is now using a gastric tube to receive nutrition because the radiation has affected his ability to swallow and take in food by mouth. I had finally come to terms with that, and felt okay about the whole thing when I found out that my ex-boyfriend's dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. He's like a second father to me and has always supported me. Needless to say it hit home and was really too much to take. It made me think of what if my parents were the ones diagnosed with cancer? What would I do?

As a child I would think about death all the time. For some reason my mom would always take me to funerals because she had no one else to go with, so I was terrified of death and would cry to my mom saying that I didn't want to die. That phase eventually passed and I hadn't really pondered my own mortality until I got the news that Heath Ledger died unexpectedly. He was my age. I think his death impacted me, and a lot of other people, because he wasn't exactly one of those actors who were “at risk” for this sort of thing(that we know of.) The fact that he was so young really made me realize that we could all go any minute. It's quite scary and depressing!

The whole point of this blog is not to depress anyone, but to give you guys a little perspective. We're all mortal and we are all here for a finite amount of time. Shouldn't we spend what time we have in this world doing things that are worthwhile? Are you happy in life? If not, why not and what can you do to make yourself happier? Sure, there are things that are lacking in my life, which I am working on and searching for. I could give up and say I'll never get those things, but that's what life is all about: the journey. I am a product of the experiences I have had, all the hardships I have faced and people I've come in contact with. With that in mind, I feel like I'm pretty blessed with my friends, family and the way my life has turned out. Am I ready to die? Hell no. But if I were to die, I would hope that I could go knowing that I had tried my best to live a fulfilled life, with great appreciation for the people who have helped me accomplish such a feat.